Sweetheart, what have you done to us?
by Memory Wolf
Summary: Elrond and Lindir had been lovers for over a thousand years, but when Elrond meets Celebrian and falls in love, his denials don't work and visions come into play. And so he makes a choice and he courts Celebrian with the guilty conscience on the back of his mind for betraying Lindir. This is the story of what happens during and after Elrond crushes Lindir's heart.
1. Lying To You

The fic name and chapter title are both song titles, from Keaton Henson. I love that man's music to death. Anyways, I just really love angsty fics that make my heart twist in pain, so I have tortured myself and wrote this. I hope it makes you feel how I felt when i wrote this.

Disclaimer: I do not own lotr or the characters, only the plot of this fic. much thanks.

* * *

Lindir paced to and fro the reception area. Lord Elrond was due to return this morning. The Lord of Imladris had taken a host of elves with him to visit Lothlórien, and what was supposed to be a month-long visit had been extended to a year. Imladris was a safe haven, the residents there never needed much governing so a year under the Chief Counsellor's guidance in the absence of the lord was not much problem.

The realm and its inhabitants might have missed the lord but no one's longing could stand against that of Lindir's, Lord Elrond's lover. Lindir understood the extended stay, being a Lord's lover has its downside. 'They must have plenty of diplomatic things to discuss.' He had thought when Erestor received a letter from Lord Elrond about his extended stay and another letter to Lindir personally with a lengthy apology and a promise to spend as much time as he can spare with Lindir when he got back.

When he could hear the sound of hoofs against pavement Lindir stopped pacing as a wide smile graced his face, 'Finally.' He thought to himself. The horses neighed as they circled the reception while slowing to trot then stopping. "Welcome back my Lord." Lindir put his hand to his chest then towards Elrond while bowing his head. Elrond smiled as he got off his horse, letting the stable boy tend to it, he enveloped Lindir in a hug, "It has been too long, meleth nin." Lindir melted into his embrace.

When the door to their chambers were closed, Lindir pulled himself towards his lover, planting soft lips against slightly chapped ones, tongues were introduced at one point. When the need for air couldn't possibly be ignored anymore, he pulled back, panting. They laid their foreheads together, breathing in and out in unison. "I missed you." Lindir whispered to his love. "As did I." Elrond smiled. With another peck to his lover's lips, Lindir pulled back, "You must be tired after such a long journey, I had a bath drawn for you, go and cleanse yourself then you may rest while I reacquaint myself with your body." Elrond chuckled as Lindir ushered him into the bathing chambers attached to their sleeping quarters.

The lord removed his robes with tired fingers, placing them on a stool beside the door. He let out a pleased sigh as his sore body met with warm water, he got himself comfortable in the tub. As he lathered up his hair, he thought of how happy he was to see his beloved again. His beautiful, understanding and caring lover. He felt his heart sink, he could ask for no better love in his life, yet he had got it. When he had went to Lothlórien, he had thought only of diplomatic relations and meeting his old friends again. But during his one month stay, he had met someone. She shined like the sun in darkness, her warm smile could thaw frozen lakes, her laughter like a ray of sunshine on the gloomiest days. Despite his reluctance and vehement denial, he had fallen in love with her. He had raged at himself, angry, hating himself for betraying Lindir, his sweet, caring Lindir who was waiting for him at home, how could he?

He had wanted to leave before the month was even up, wanted to go back to his beloved and remind himself of the wonderful lover he already had. But Lady Galadriel had stopped him. She felt his anguish, she felt sorry for him, but she had also seen something that could only be had if Elrond stayed. So she had stopped him, and told him to see. He did not understand what she had said at first, but by the next morning he did. The lady had wanted him to see not what was in front of him, but what was in the time to come. And after he had seen, he had wept. He had seen something that he could not have with Lindir, something that would pull him and Celebrían closer, he had seen his children. His cheery, playful twins, and his sweet lovable daughter. Oh how he had wept and grieved over his choice. He had known there was not a choice anymore when children were involved. He wanted a family, he had lost his long ago when Elros had passed, he longed for another, and Celebrían could give him one.

And so with the guilty conscience in his heart, he sent a letter explaining his prolonged stay as a diplomatic importance, and another letter of apology to Lindir, he hadn't told him what he felt and his choice, or the fact that there was even a choice to be made to begin with. He thought that he wasn't that cruel that he would break his love's heart over a letter, but was he not already cruel in betraying Lindir? He spent his stay getting to know Celebrían, falling in love with her more, all the while having Lindir at the back of his mind. He had an agreement with Galadriel that Celebrían would not know of the relationship he and Lindir had, it would break her sweet little heart, Galadriel had said, and so he spent a year betraying his love. When the time to return to Imladris came, he fretted. When he got back, he would have to break it off with Lindir, and he would have to tell him of the engagement. His heart twisted at the thought of the pain he would bring Lindir, he hated himself for that.

He dried himself off with a heavy heart, dressed himself with the fresh robes Lindir had put aside for him and walked back out. Lindir had placed scented candles around the room, the drapes were pulled to block out the sun to make the room cool and relaxing. He had prepared a vial of peach-scented oil, his favourite scent. He himself uses peach scented lotion, you could call him possessive but he wanted his lover to smell like him, sweet relaxing peach. Elrond had a distressed look on his face when he came out of the bathing chambers, "Is something wrong?" Lindir was suddenly concerned. "Nay my love." Elrond tried to give a reassuring smile to Lindir. The younger elf could see there was something bothering his lover, but he wouldn't push him if he didn't wish to tell. "I do have something to tell you though, about Lothlórien." Elrond strode nervously to his lover.

"Nay Elrond, you can recount your journey to the Golden Woods to me tomorrow, for now, lay down and relax while I work my magic fingers on your travel-worn muscles. Come." Lindir led Elrond by his hand towards the bed. Elrond sighed, 'Mayhaps, he would take it better tomorrow.' He lied to himself, for he knew the answer to that, and all other excuses that he would make. But for now, he drifted off to sleep with his sweet little bird's voice in his ears, singing of love and happiness, not knowing what was to come tomorrow.

* * *

Lindir had taken the day off, it seemed that the lord was really tired, for when he woke, it was the day after he had returned. Erestor had threatened the lord to take the day off and spend it with his lover, a year was too long a time to stay away from one's lover, and Erestor would not let him stay away a day more. Elrond was grateful for his friend, but when he had thanked his friend, he could see Glorfindel giving him hard stares from behind Erestor. Glorfindel was with him in the Golden Woods, Glorfindel knew, and he hated his friend for doing something that would destroy Lindir.

* * *

"Tell me the tales of your journey while we walk the gardens, my lord." After breaking fast, they walked hand in hand in the gardens, enjoying the smell of flowers and sun on their skin. Elrond told him of how the lady and lord of Lothlórien was doing, and of Haldir and his brothers, friends of Lindir. He briefly described Celebrían to Lindir, for he had never met her, then he quickly passed on to other aspects of his journey, he would leave his confession for last. "And what of the diplomatic problems my lord?"

"It went smoothly, Imladris and Lothlórien remain friends and allies in the darkness to come." Elrond ran out of things to tell Lindir, the impending conversation looming over his mind. "Would you accompany me back to our room?" with Lindir's nod, he led his lover into the room and locked the doors, these were for his and Lindir's ears only. When Elrond turned back around, he was pounced on, eager lips met his and he was stunned at first, before he returned the eagerness, he would miss this so dearly. So instead of having the much dreaded talk, he had made love to Lindir, and when Lindir professed his love for Elrond again and again, all Elrond could do was plant kisses along his lips and jaw in reassurance of the love he could no longer say aloud for Lindir was not the only one he loved anymore.

* * *

How is it? Feeling it? I never liked how when others write about one lover betraying the other they always make one of them so heartless, elves are very emotional. And I'm going to write Lindir as the understanding lover, who forgives way too much and is selfless and kind to a fault. i suppose that might be OOC in a sense. Please tell me how you think in a comment, i was very excited for this fic and i would cry if no ones comments on it.

You can follow my tumblr for updates. I am dreamsareallwehaveleft on tumblr.


	2. Not That You'd Even Notice

tbh I went to read up the lyrics of this song after i wrote the chapter so it isn't like i wrote it listening to this song but still, i love the songs. I have so many song choices for the next chap i don't even know what to do. anyway, onwards.

* * *

Another day passed after that day, and then another week. Elrond could not do it, he could not utter the words that would break his sweet little bird's heart, but he knew he had to, for it was much crueller not to. And that was where Glorfindel came barging into his office, eyes full of rage and fury.

"You have not told him." It was a statement, not a question. Elrond sighed and lowered his eyes to the floor. "I couldn't." He admitted. "You have to." Elrond shook his head, "I do not know how, Glorfindel." He looked up when he heard Glorfindel snort, "You should have thought of that when you wooed Celebrían!" Elrond winced. "You should not lead him on, you should not give him love and hope where there is none!" Glorfindel shouted at him. Elrond stood up abruptly, staring right up into Glorfindel's eyes, "I love him! I have loved him a thousand years ago and I will love him a thousand years later!" Glorfindel stared back, "Then why! Why would you choose to take another lover while you know he waits for you to return to his arms! Why would you betray him of you had loved him!" Elrond looked away as guilt flared up in his heart. "Because I am selfish."

The warrior pushed the lord back onto the chair, while he pulled up another and sat down in front of him. "Explain." He crossed his arms. Elrond sighed, "I had felt a spark for Celebrían ever since I laid eyes on her one year ago. But at that time I wanted to return home right away, before our talks were even done, I wanted to mount a horse and ride without rest back into Lindir's waiting arms and away from Celebrían." He shook his head as he remembered how he felt. "Then why did you not?"

"Lady Galadriel stopped me. She had seen something, and she told me to stay for a night first, and if I still wished to leave after what she knew I would see, then she would not stop me. So I stayed, determined that whatever I saw would not phase my decision to ride back to my lover the next morn." Elrond looked up at Glorfindel. "I saw my children Glorfindel, my very own flesh and blood, a pair of twins playing in the gardens and a sweet adorable young babe in my arms, cooing as she played with my hair. I couldn't, Glorfindel, I couldn't not choose something that I have wanted ever since Elros passed, my family." Elrond had tears in his eyes as he recounted the visions he had seen of his children, children he would have with Celebrían.

"You are truly selfish Elrond." Glorfindel shook his head, but before Elrond could say anything, he spoke up, "I will forever hate you for breaking our sweet minstrel's heart, you should have thought of your wish to have a family in the future before having taken Lindir as a lover, you should not have given him hope and let him experience the love he would have with you, you shouldn't have given him a happiness that you knew could be taken away by something else."

"I did not wish to betray his love. If I knew this was to happen, I would have taken a step back and remained friends with him all those years ago, but I cannot turn back time. The guilt tears at me every time I see him smile at me, the thought of having to tear his heart to shreds eats at me, I do not know how to tell him Glorfindel." He pleaded with his friend to give him an answer. "Do not look at me Elrond, I will not do this for you, it was your choice to create this problem and so it will be you who solves it. And you had better tell him soon, do not hurt him anymore with more empty promises."

Elrond nodded solemnly, "And bear in mind that Celebrían will arrive in a month's time for the ceremony." Glorfindel reminded him. "How could I forget… Will you promise me one thing though Glorfindel? That the hate you have for me will not be projected onto Celebrían, she does not know of Lindir and she does not deserve to bear the brunt of my foolishness." Glorfindel looked scandalised, "how dare you think so low of me, your foolishness is getting to you. Please, get yourself together before you start governing this realm again." Glorfindel put a hand onto the lord's shoulder before he stood up and made for the door.

* * *

"Is everything all right love?" Erestor questioned his lover as he strode into their sleeping chambers and sat down heavily on the edge of the bed. "I have let something terrible happen, my love." Glorfindel put his head in his hands. Erestor sat down beside his and placed his hand on Glorfindel's lap, "What is it?" Glorfindel raised his head again and twined his and Erestor's fingers together, "The reason of the extended stay was not because of diplomatic reasons, well not entirely, it was because Elrond wanted to court Celebrían." Erestor gasped, "Elrond was courting Celebrían? What about Lindir?!" Glorfindel shook his head, "Lindir did not know, he still does not know, that was why I went in search of Elrond today." Erestor urged him on, "Well what did he have to say for himself?"

"He says that he had initially wanted to ride back right after feeling the spark he had for Celebrían, but the Lady Galadriel stopped him. She had seen something that she wanted Elrond to see before he made his decision to leave. And Elrond did change his decision to leave after seeing the vision." Glorfindel sighed. "What could possibly be more important than his love for Lindir?" Erestor's voice was laced with rage. "His children." Was all Glorfindel said, Erestor was a smart elf, he could figure it out. "What are you saying, Lord Elrond doesn't have an- oh." Erestor sat back. "How many?" Erestor had asked. "Three. Twin sons and a daughter." Erestor sighed. "A choice between a family of his own flesh and blood or his lover of a thousand years." Erestor was kin to Elrond, he knew of Elrond's desire to have a family, so he knew all too well why he would choose Celebrían.

"That's not the worst thing that I have allowed to happen." Glorfindel sighed. "What more?" Erestor asked. "I left the door to his office open when I barged in. And I heard Lindir's light footsteps rush off when we finished talking." Glorfindel looked defeated, if he had not done so, who knows when the lord would tell his lover? If he could put if off for a week, then he could surely put it off for a month, this was for the best. "Oh poor sweet Lindir, having to hear of terrible news like a little thief instead of face to face with his lover, no wonder no one could find him today."

"Yes, I did not follow him when he left, nor did I tell Lord Elrond of our visitor during our talk. I saw Lindir walk into their chambers just now, they will talk tonight and tomorrow we will coddle and comfort our little broken songbird." Erestor nodded in agreement with his lover, "Come now, we must rest, tomorrow will be a day where no birds will chirp nor will songs of joy be sung."

* * *

right? right? Lindir my poor baby. it's not exactly a cliffhanger but i guess it's a little bit more exciting? anyways as always my tumblr dreamsareallwehaveleft. tumblr


	3. Milk Teeth

Well okay i just read back and it's quite a disappointing confrontation, they stay in the same room for like half an hour? i dunno, i hate myself.

* * *

"_Is it love you regret?_

_In that case you won't be returning, I guess_

_Darling, your eyes are so still when you speak_

_Do they weep?"_

_-Milk Teeth, Keaton Henson_

"Lindir, I must speak with you." were the first words that Lindir heard from his lover upon his entrance into their bedchambers. He looked up, when his swollen eyes came into contact with sad brown eyes, his tears flowed again. "Meleth nin! What is the matter? Why do you weep?" Elrond rushed beside his love, arms immediately encircling Lindir in his warm embrace. "I have heard you! In your office with Glorfindel! Why did you not tell me when you made that decision? Why have you made love to me and talked to me as if nothing was wrong? If you had loved me enough you would have told me so I did not have to suffer alone for a year, longing for your return, when you have been in the arms of that-that _lady_!" Lindir shouted as he pushed away Elrond's arms. This was not what he had planned to say.

After running away from Elrond's office, he had ran into the forest to cry his heart out in private, then he had raged against Elrond, doubted Elrond's love for him a thousand years ago, 'Was I just a toy he could cast aside when he wanted something else?' 'Did Elrond not love me anymore?' 'Was he lying to me when he said he loved me all those times?' those were the first questions he had asked himself, then when he had calmed down he had the answers, 'Elrond loved me, and he said so himself that he would love me a thousand years more. He was never lying when he said he loved me.' But after that came the question of 'Why did he not tell me if he loved me? Was he ever going to tell me?' and later he would know the answer to that was that 'yes he loves me, he couldn't tell me _because_ he loves me.' Then came the anger for Celebrían, 'How could she do this to me? Why did she even let him try? She has taken something from me that I value above my own life! How dare you!' along with plenty of images of how he would kill, murder and maim a lady he had never even met before, then he had sighed and told himself it was not her fault, she did not know of Lindir's existence in Elrond's life. Then he had settled himself, pushed all the hurt and anger and the fact that he was not what Elrond desired most in his life to the back of his mind, he forced himself to be the understanding lover that he was. He could do this, he could understand Elrond, and he would not cry, scream or complain in front of his Lord, he would simply nod in understanding and say farewell and wish him all the luck in the world for his new family and he would leave, he would cease to be the Lord's lover and he would go back to being the Chief Minstrel of Imladris, and then finally he would let his grief take him to the hall of Mandos.

_That_ was his plan, what he was doing now was not according to his plan. He wasn't supposed to cry, he wasn't supposed to scream, he was supposed to nod and leave.

Elrond stood staring at Lindir, he hadn't known how to answer Glorfindel then and he did not know how to answer Lindir now. He did the only thing he could think of, he apologised.

Lindir could have laughed at his Lord, an apology was all he could give. He couldn't give him anything else, he certainly couldn't give him his love anymore. Lindir shook his head and wiped away his tears, breathing in and out in deep breaths to calm himself, he sighed, he needed to get back to his plan, and to do that, he couldn't look Elrond in the eyes. "I accept your apology. I thank you for all you had given me the past thousand years, and I wish you all the luck in the world with your new family. Now if you would excuse me my Lord, there is wedding music to be planned." He bowed to his lord and turned and strode towards the door to leave, he paused when Elrond called for him to wait, he waited to his lord to say something, and when it became obvious that Elrond could think of nothing else to say, he said his parting words, "I understand, my lord. I understand why you would choose Lady Celebrían, she will make a lovely Lady of Imladris and a mother of your children, and I will serve her with smiles and nothing else." Then he left.

Elrond cursed himself twice and thrice, Lindir was too good for him, he couldn't even break up with him in his own words, but Lindir had _understood_, like he always did, he understood and gave no muss no fuss and left, Elrond felt that he had never hated himself more.

Neither of them had a good night's sleep that night. In Elrond's case, he had tossed and turned with rage at himself, for letting such a perfect love go, for not having the guts to even break up with him face to face, his dreams were filled with hatred for himself. In Lindir's case, he had cried himself to sleep, tossing and turning in his dreams of his heartache, and he would later find out, he would not have a good night's sleep anytime soon for the foreseeable future.

* * *

Disappointing right? i liked writing Lindir in the woods, sorting through his feelings and being a fucking selfless god, and tbh, i really did not know what i could make elrond say so...


	4. Corpse Road

By now you should know that all the titles of this fic is songs from keaton henson, and that i do not own them.  
Yes omg more readers! I'm so happy idek. I just smile at my phone like an idiot when i get emails that tell me people faved or subbed, i love you.

* * *

_"And don't lie, don't lie, _

_Don't lie, I know we're fixing to die._

_And don't tell me how,_

_I'll smile and pretend and won't show to the crowd"_

_-Corpse Road, Keaton Henson_

Lindir had foregone breaking his fast and had instead headed straight into the room he uses to compose his music and got right to work. He poured his pain and tears into the music, hoping to empty himself so he could focus on composing wedding tunes for his lord and very-soon-to-be-lady. He had a job, he was sad yes, but he still had a job, a job that wouldn't suddenly decide by itself that it needed someone better to hold its position and leave him, he could drown himself in work.

Erestor had seen Lindir walk into his workroom, he had seen the younger elf's eyes tell him he had not had a good sleep and had certainly been crying by himself all night. He sighed, Lindir was like him, if there was anything he didn't want to think about, he would drown himself in work. He flagged down a servant that was rushing past his side, "Have meals be brought to Lindir's workroom." The servant nodded and rushed off. He would have to go and find the broken hearted elf tonight and help him reintroduce himself back to the world.

* * *

When the lord of Imladris' engagement to the Lady Celebrían of Lothlórien was announced to Imadris' inhabitants, there were fierce murmuring at every corner. Everyone had known that Lindir was Lord Elrond's lover and everyone loved the happy couple, but with the announcement of the engagement, everyone had to wonder what had happened to the loving couple. Their Lord had not told them and anyone who wasn't a close friend of the lord never asked out loud. It was all speculation and rumours.

* * *

When the servant that brought him his morning meal returned to bring him his afternoon meal, he told him that dinner would not be necessary, as he would be attending night meal in the hall of fire. He had heard the harsh whispers in the wind, rumours of Lord Elrond cheating on him, of Lord Elrond cruelly throwing him aside for an elleth, of the Lord breaking their sweet little minstrel's heart. It was true to a certain degree, but Lindir thought it wouldn't do to have a realm's inhabitants doubt their ruler, he planned to fix that at dinner. He would once again be as selfless as he could and help Elrond, he would take all the pain and guilt that Elrond had for himself if he could, he just wanted to see the person he loved happy, whether it be with him or another.

He left early, making for the hall of fire with music scores in his hands. When he arrived, it was just as he wished. The hall was not filled, but there were already elves seated and talking among each other, and the other minstrels were just setting up. He strode up to the front of the hall. He did not even need to do anything to get everyone's attention on him, they stared as he walked past.

"As you have heard of Lord Elrond's engagement to the Lady Celebrían, the wind has carried to me the whispers of elves, speculating what had happened between me and Lord Elrond. I wish to clarify those whispers. Lord Elrond and I have separated on equal terms, we both agreed it would be best that we went our own way, and none was cruel to the other. We will remain friends but nothing more than friends. And I wish to hear none of this when Lady Celebrían arrives, she will be treated with respect and smiles, that is all." He bowed and went to the rest of the minstrels. His friends gave him encouraging smiles and pats on the back, all he did was smile and proceed to play his music with the rest of the minstrels. He did not want to feel.

Elrond had walked into the hall of fire expecting whispers to cover him from all corners, to his utter surprise, everyone was silent. Then he saw Lindir playing with the minstrels, his face neutral and unreadable. "How do you still call yourself a Lord? A bird tells me that Lindir has settled the harsh whispers for you, can you do anything for yourself anymore?" Erestor told him as he sat down. Elrond sighed, Lindir shouldn't be this quiet. Normal people wouldn't be accepting silently, he expected screams and curses from Lindir, but another part of him that knew his ex-lover well enough had told him that Lindir wouldn't blame him, and he would still be a friend. "I am a horrible lover, Erestor, I know. Please, will you take care of him for me? He does not scream and complain, that cannot be good for him."

"I would imagine I am a good enough friend that I would take care of him without you having to tell me, _my lord_." Erestor was still very unhappy with Elrond.

* * *

"Lindir, may I enter?" Erestor stood in front of Lindir's chambers in his sleeping robe, fully intending on spending the night with his friend, he would not leave him to grief alone. At the mumbled affirmative, he entered.

"I will be staying with you tonight and you will not object." He strode purposefully into the room and sat down on the bed's edge. Lindir sighed at his friend, "Erestor-" "No, do not try to persuade me otherwise. Now come and lay down beside me, it has been a long time since I've stroked your hair until you fall asleep." Erestor lay down and patted the space beside him. Lindir blushed at his friend, "You haven't done that since I grew out of being an elfling." He settled down beside his friend, feeling comforted by the body heat. "What of Glorfindel? Will he not be lonely?"

"He will not miss me for a few night mellon nin, he would be here if we could fit three elves into your small bed. But alas we cannot, so I am here to convince you to spend tomorrow night in our room, and any other night you feel lonely, do not hesitate to come to us. We love you Lindir, and unlike some elf lord, we will not leave you to your grief." Erestor snuggled Lindir closer to him, laying on his side while Lindir lay on his back staring into Erestor's dark eyes. His eyes watered, "Thank you Erestor."

"Cry if you wish, talk if you want to, I am here for you, you do not need to shut everything under lock and key in your maze of a mind." Erestor soothed a palm on Lindir's cheek. Lindir cried. He let his tears flow and sobs rack his body as the day's pent up tears ran out of him. He was sure he wouldn't run out of tears anytime soon.

"It hurts so much!" He said between sobs, "I felt my heart squeeze and shatter, I cannot feel whole Erestor, I am missing, and I will never be whole again!" He buried his face in his friend's chest. "Nay Lindir, you will not be forever missing, the Valar would not allow it." Erestor smoothed his hand down Lindir's back. "The Valar! The Valar allowed the light of my life to be taken away, I cannot see why they would not leave someone they deem unimportant to have love to be alone for all eternity." Lindir said cruelly. "Oh Lindir! My sweet Lindir! You are not unimportant, you are loved, so very loved. You must believe that there is a better person out there for you, you mustn't grieve forever, and I will not allow you to fade!" He hugged Lindir tightly to his chest.

The rest of the night was spent with Erestor mumbling reassuring words at Lindir and smoothing his hand down Lindir's hair, lulling the younger elf to sleep.

* * *

I feel like I didn't expand enough on Lindir's grieve at the ending, but I didn't have the feel to do it anymore, i hope that was enough. Next chapter will be the appearance of Celebrian :)  
does anyone know of any Lindir/Cirdan fics? I really like Cirdan (tho i have very little knowledge of him) he's cool.


	5. Love Is Hell

I didn't name this chapter after the song because i have plans to name a later chapter after it, this song can be used on so many of these chapters idek. And thank you for subbing :) Onwards.

* * *

_"And I am low and unwell_  
_This is love, this is hell_  
_This sweet plague that follows me"_

_\- Flesh and Bones, Keaton Henson_

The night before Celebrían and elves of Golden Wood arrived, Lindir had slept in his own room, forbidding Erestor or Glorfindel from entering his room, stating he needed his privacy. He did need his privacy, he needed to spend the night meditating, concentrating at leaving his emotions behind, he needed to feel nothing, else his heart will be ground into dust when he lays his eyes on the beauty that would no doubt be Lady Celebrían and Lord Elrond showering her in his love. He could not. He needed to cry his tears dry so none would threaten to fall in the presence of the Lady and her parents, he would do his best to make the lady comfortable here.

He fell asleep with tears in his eyes and awoke with a fresh bout of tears flowing from his tired eyes. When a servant knocked on his door, informing him of the gathering at the reception area to welcome the elves from Lothlórien, he lied and told the servant he was ill and wished to be left alone. His tears were not dry, his wishes of crying himself spent did not come true, and he could not face the guests of Imladris the way he is, he would not dishonour Lord Elrond so.

And so he stayed curled up in his bed, sobbing his misery and heartache all over again like the day he had overheard Elrond talking to Glorfindel. He could not do this, he told himself he could but he really couldn't. He didn't want to see Celebrían, he didn't want to see Elrond happy with Celebrían instead of him, he didn't want to be understanding of Elrond, he wanted to curse and shout at Elrond, he wanted Elrond to think of him, he wanted to be the one happy, why could he not be the one happy? Why couldn't he be the one getting married? Why was he the one who had to be understanding and selfless? _Why couldn't he bear children?_ Because yes, that was the problem. He couldn't bear children. Whereas Celebrían _could_. It wasn't because Elrond didn't love him, it was because of his own fault, fault of being born an ellon. Deep down he knew that that wasn't his own fault, if it had to be anyone's fault, it would be the Valar's, but the Valar was always right, right? He didn't want to think anymore, he went back to clutching his blanket and crying in hopes of easing the pain in his heart, to no avail.

* * *

Erestor looked on as Elrond kissed Celebrían's cheeks in greeting, he understood why Lindir wasn't here, and he did not want his friend to be here either. "Mae govannen Lord Celeborn, Lady Galadriel, Lady Celebrían." He greeted the three with his usual cold demeanour. Servants were left and right, taking the royal elves' luggage and directing the Galadhrim guards to their rooms where they could rest and the stable boys were pulling the horses away.

"Allow me to introduce, this is Erestor, my Chief Counsellor." Elrond said, mostly to Celebrían as she was the only one who hadn't seen Erestor before. Celebrían gave him a warm smile that was returned with a nod and nothing more. "Do not let his cold demeanour put you off, he treats everyone that way." He reassured his love. "Come, you must all be tired from the long trip, I will show you to your rooms so that you may rest a little and freshen up." Erestor nodded to the lord and lady as he gave way to them to walk past, he had more pressing things to do than to act as guide. A look at Glorfindel told him that the blond warrior would follow him to Lindir.

"Lindir, its Erestor and Glorfindel." Erestor knocked at Lindir's door. "Go away!" Was shouted through the door. "Lindir." Was all Erestor said. There was silence, then some shuffling of bare feet against marbled floor, the door opened a peek. "Please Erestor, Glorfindel. I just need to be alone." Lindir pleaded with red rimmed eyes, his face red and swollen from crying. Erestor took in the sight of his pitiful friend and sighed, "Alright. I will have meals sent to your room." Lindir thanked them before shutting the door again.

"How long do you think he will 'be ill' for?" Glorfindel asked Erestor when he was sure they were out of earshot of Lindir's room. Erestor sighed, "Valar knows."

* * *

They were seated at the head table in the feasting hall. Elrond on the farthest end, with Celebrían opposite him and Erestor on his right, and to the right of Erestor was Glorfindel, who had Galadriel and Celeborn opposite him. "Travellers from Imladris often spoke of a talented minstrel with eyes and hair the colour of honey and a voice that made all the birds stop singing so they themselves could listen, would we have the chance to see him perform today?" Celebrían sounded so carefree when the elves around her stiffened at her question. "Ah… You must speak of my Chief Minstrel, Lindir. It is most unfortunate but he is ill today." Elrond answered, voice slightly tense. "Ah, a pity indeed, I had been looking forward to listen for myself what the travellers call 'voice of the purest of beings'." Erestor did not think Lindir could hate Celebrían, her childlike wonder at their realm had made her instantly coddled and loved, he doubted anyone could hate such an innocent being.

* * *

next chapter will be Lindir leaving his room and meeting old friends who care. please remember that comments and kudos give me fuel to continue on this sad heart wrenching journey with you guys. Also, i was planning to write a sequel to this with Lindir and someone else, I was thinking of Cirdan because i absolutely love him, but i don't read the silmarillion so I dont really know how to portray him and his history, there's only so much you can understand from wikia. So suggest who you'd like Lindir with and I'll see what i can do :)


	6. Small Hands

Hello, I'm ready to finish this. I've got it all out and I can't edit it much anymore because my muse has ran away to a Draco/Elrond fic i'm writing atm. I really like Elrond and I'm trying so hard to not make him a jerk but you know what he's already a jerk for leaving Lindir. Smack him. Onwards.

* * *

"_Get distracted by my music,_  
_Think of nothing else but art_  
_I'll write my loneliness in poems,_  
_If I can just think how to start"_  
_-Small Hands, Keaton Henson_

When three days had passed and no one had seen hide nor hair of Lindir, save for the servant bringing him food, Erestor couldn't just stand by anymore. He dismissed the servant bringing Lindir his breakfast and took the tray himself. "Lindir, you cannot hide in your room forever." He said through the door. "Why not?" Lindir answered defiantly. Erestor sighed, this was like talking to an elfling. "You have to meet her at one point, it would not be fair to not give her a chance." He tried to reason to Lindir's logical side instead of his emotional one. "I have already given her the reason I live, why would I want to give her anything more?" Lindir whispered through the door, it was so soft Erestor almost couldn't hear it. Erestor paused, finally Lindir's selfish side had peeked its head out, and Erestor did not want to be the one to push it back out of view but Lindir really could not hide anymore before Celebrían would find it odd and ask someone and no doubt would find out why the minstrel was 'ill'. "I know, Lindir, I know. It hurts a lot and I will not begrudge you the need to be selfish, you deserve it my sweet songbird, but hiding away for so long will not do." Erestor rested his forehead against the door, "Remember what I taught you about leaving your emotions and being logical when it comes to diplomatic things, just think of it as that, a diplomatic encounter." There was a long stretch of silence, the door opened a crack and Erestor could see half of Lindir's face, "I will attend night meal." He took the tray from Erestor's hands and shut the door.

Lindir thought as he ate, trying to compartmentalise his mind, something which he failed to do for the past three days. He had let his mind run amok, tired of concealing his feelings, wanting to be selfish, he spent the last three days raging and crying and pitying himself, and avoiding reality. He knew he could not hide away in his room forever, even if he could stay in his room for a month he still had to sing for the wedding. 'It will hurt and I will feel it at all times and I will get accustomed to it as a part of life, and it will be like that until I am no more.' He would do what Erestor had taught him to do, he would think of it as a diplomatic relation, he would be polite and nod and take a leaf out of Erestor's book, be cool and polite, Lord Elrond would be his Lord and Lady Celebrían his Lady, no more and no less, it would be perfect.

That night, he dressed in a cool blue robe with a darker shade of blue draped over his shoulders, fixing his hair in his usual plaits, he walked out of his room with his head held high and eyes cool. He did have to admit he had plotted all the routes in Imladris where he could avoid Lord Elrond in his past three days of free time, he took one of those routes. When he had reached the hall of fire, there were many well-wishers asking after his well-being, he thanked them all and told them he has recovered. He had written a song, in the short time of the afternoon, about the beauty of the Golden Woods, there were no feelings in it for if he had poured his feelings into that song, it would be a tragic tune, so it only held words of praise. He passed the sheets out to the other minstrels.

When the elves starting pouring into the hall, he started singing. He paid no heed to whoever was entering the hall, satisfied to keep his attention on the dust in the air, he did not even glance as his Lord and Lady entered the hall, there was plenty of time to do that later. When he was done, there was a round of applause from the elves who had missed their favourite minstrel's honey-dipped voice and also from the elves of Golden Wood. He bowed and stepped towards the tables. His eyes swept through the crowd, looking for a place to sit. He glanced past where the royal elves were seated with Erestor and Glorfindel, he absolutely was not going to seat himself in his own personal torture, then he saw Haldir and his brothers, he went towards them.

"Lindir, our sweet songbird, how fare your spirits?" Haldir greeted him. "Haldir, my brave warrior, I have recovered." He smiled Haldir. Haldir looked disbelieving at his friend, but let it pass. "Long have I wished to hear your sweet voice again Lindir." Rumil smiled, "And long have I wished to lay eyes on your beautiful face Rumil." Lindir grinned, "And also you Orophin, my cute little brother." Orophin smiled back at him. "Take a walk with me in the gardens after dinner, Lindir." Haldir needed to get him away from this crowd and get to the bottom of this Elrond and Celebrían business. Lindir sighed, he knew his friend would not believe others' words, he nodded.

* * *

"Lindir is indeed the song angel that I have heard others say, he is simply wonderful!" Celebrían applauded as the minstrel bowed and walked off. She could feel her fiancé's uncomfortable gait when the minstrel was mentioned, but she did not know what for. "Aye he is."

* * *

Haldir walked beside his friend, watching as his skin reflected the moon's light. "Lindir, what happened?" Haldir had known about Elrond and Lindir, he was very close friends with Lindir after all, that was why he was very shocked when he had seen Lord Elrond courting Lady Celebrían. "I know you do not believe that we have went our separate ways on equal terms, but I warn you my friend, it is best you believe it as such." Lindir thought it better that less people know of the reason, he did not need anyone else to be upset for him, he had already made up his mind to let it be. "Nay, I did not believe it when I heard it and I will not believe it now. You are my friend, I would gladly help you bear this grief." Haldir put a hand on Lindir's shoulder, Lindir stopped and pulled his hand from his shoulder into both his palms. "I thank you my friend, but I have already come to terms with it, and I wish not dwell on it any further." Haldir looked at his friend sceptically before shaking his head and sighing, "If that is what you truly wish." Lindir nodded, "Aye. Instead, come with me to my room and we may drown my sorrow in wine, we will drink until the sun comes up." And they walked off.

* * *

I was up all night writing that damned Draco/Elrond fic and i slept from 7am to 11am and i feel like dying as i write this note i'm so tired. I have a thing for crossgen pairings(read: rare pairings) thus shipping tons of peeps with Elrond :p anyways, comments are loved, thanks.


	7. Flesh and Bones

I really love this chapter, i loved writing it i loved reading it, i hope you do too. Onwards.

* * *

"_And my body's weak_  
_Feel my heart giving up on me_  
_I'm worried it might just be_  
_And my body's weak_  
_Feel my lungs giving up on me_  
_I'm worried it might just be_  
_Something my soul needs"_  
_-Flesh and Bones, Keaton Henson_

When they woke up the next morning with hammers against their skulls, they did not regret it. Lindir did not regret because with his head pounding and dizzy, he could not feel the pain in his heart, only in his head, and Haldir did not regret it because it was the least he could do for his friend in need. They looked at each other and fell off the bed laughing, taking in each other's dishevelled and pained state, it was a good laugh until the pounding in their head came back at full force. Empty bottles of wine decorated the room floor, along with two goblets of spilled wine over the edge of the bed.

When they managed to make themselves look presentable, they stumbled out the door towards the healers. After the healers they headed for breakfast, head still spinning but with less pounding, the healers wanted them to deal with the consequences of abusing wine. "Haldir, Lindir! Come, sit with us." Lindir heard a melodious voice call to them. "My Lady Celebrían, it would be our pleasure." Haldir bowed to the lady, followed by Lindir giving a quick bow 'I cannot deal with this with my head pounding so early in the morning…' Lindir thought to himself, but he sat down anyway, it wouldn't do to be so obviously avoiding Celebrían. "You both seem to be in a jolly good mood this morning." Glorfindel chuckled at their glares.

"I am terribly sorry I was not present to welcome you to Imladris four days past, my lord and my ladies." Lindir dipped his head in Galadriel's family's direction. "It is no matter, I heard you have fallen ill, I would rather you rest than to greet us, there are plenty of others to do that." Celebrían smiled good naturedly at Lindir. 'Diplomatic diplomatic diplomatic diplomatic' Lindir repeated to himself in his head 'she is as beautiful as I thought she would be'. "Yes, your health is of most importance Lindir, I am glad you have recovered." Galadriel's airy voice smoothed over him, Lindir paused. Did she have a double meaning in what she had just said? Did she meant that she was glad that he got over Elrond? Well he certainly wasn't _over_ Elrond if that was what she was thinking. And he most certainly hasn't recovered from his heartache and most likely never will.

Erestor diverted their attention from Lindir when he saw his friend pause, Galadriel certainly do not choose her words well. He pushed plates of sweets and pastries in front of Lindir, best way to cure a broken heart is by eating, he nudged his side to wake him from his thinking. Lindir jumped slightly at the nudge and looked over at his friend, who looked pointedly at the plate of sweet in front of him, Lindir dug in. The morning was spent with idle chatter and Lindir excusing himself early, stating his wish to rest a little more before he went about the day, Erestor went with him.

* * *

"I wish to bathe, are you joining me Erestor?" Lindir asked his friend cheekily. "I will wash your back." Erestor huffed at Lindir's cheek. They went into the attached bathing chambers and stripped of their robes, both sinking into the bath water easily. Erestor had been bathing with Lindir ever since he was but a babe, there was nothing he hasn't seen before.

There was silence as Erestor lathered up Lindir's brown locks and massaged his scalp, only when they both turned around for Lindir to wash Erestor's hair did Lindir speak. "She is nice." He said nonchalantly. "Aye." Erestor replied, not knowing what else to say, he just wanted to be there for his friend. "I can be her friend." Lindir said again after a stretch of silence, "She will need them, since she doesn't know anyone from Imladris." Erestor sighed, he was so sad, his heartbroken friend was still so selfless, always thinking of others before himself, how could anyone throw away such a treasure? "Yes I assume so." He had replied. Then again, silence, as they washed themselves and dried off. Only when he had tucked in his fragile friend, and was headed out the door, did he hear Lindir speak again. "I can do this. I am okay." Erestor wanted to kill Elrond.

* * *

Lindir was okay. For the rest of the week and the week after that, he got to know Celebrían. She was a wonderful person, she was nice, caring, joyful, and so full of innocence of life, he could not hate her, not even deep in his heart could he hold even the tiniest bit of resentment towards the wonderful elleth. Only whenever he saw Elrond with her, he would turn around and walk away. His walls were usually up, to block his emotions from showing through, but whenever he saw Elrond walking by her side, holding her hand, or his arm around her waists, he would feel knives and swords stab at his heart, his mind would scream 'That is MY place! He is supposed to hold _my_ hand and hug _me_ close! Not her!' then he would go back to his room and calm himself down, a cup of wine or two, and by night time he would be asleep on his bed with bottles of wine around his bed.

Until one day, he had been composing in a garden that was rarely used by other elves except himself, it was very far from the centre of Imladris and close to the edge of woods. He always came to this garden for a peaceful mind away from noise and people, it was his little haven. When he heard rustling of grass and leaves, he thought nothing of it, probably just some small animals moving about, no other ever visits this garden. Then he heard voices, 'Who is that? For all the time I've been here I have never seen anyone else in this garden.' He sat up straighter in his place against the tree bark, looking out for the intruders on his peace. When the footsteps got closer and he could clearly hear what they were saying, he felt his breakfast threaten to reach back out of his mouth. He knew that voice, that deep timbre that used to tell him the stories of old while he lay back on the bed with his fingers twirled around dark black hair, the voice that he had loved and still do, the voice that used to whisper the owner's love for him, like how he was whispering to the one he loved right now. "I love you my sweet Celebrían." Lindir had never felt as he had felt right then, his heart turned to lead and dropped and dropped, his felt his fingers freeze and his whole being go cold, his legs cramped up as his eyes blurred, he could feel haze in his head as he felt as if his heart stopped and he was suddenly so heavy, so hazy, so lost. Then it was all gone, as he breathed out he felt his soul leave him, all he could feel now was numb, so numb, like he had been dunked in ice water and never resurfaced.

He had not heard Celebrían's replying "And I you my love." And he had not heard them walk around the garden right past him and left, he had not heard as the afternoon bell was sounded. When it started to get dark only then did he move. He gathered up his half written compositions and walked back to his room, he dropped the papers beside the door, not caring as it rumpled and crinkled when it reached the floor, he shucked his outer robes and pulled himself into his bed, sinking his head into his pillow and pulling his blankets over his head. He did not cry, but it was not for a lack of trying, he physically could not, for he felt nothing. As he descended into blissful darkness, he thought of how he wanted to stay there forever, he never wanted to see the light again.

* * *

When Lindir never showed up for dinner, Erestor sighed but did nothing, he knew of Lindir's habit of drinking himself into a stupor whenever he felt he could not take it anymore, he would just have breakfast and a soothing draught be sent to his room the next morning. "Is Lindir alright? He's missed lunch and now he's missing dinner again." Celebrían had taken to Lindir, she liked the gentle elf who's smile was soft and sweet and company she cherished, she did feel like he was lacking something, but he never mentioned it so she had never asked. "Do not worry my lady, he will be alright, he likes to overwork himself." Erestor told her. "Even so, it must not be healthy." Celebrían frowned.

* * *

Oh my heart, it's so so broken. Feel free to leave comments. I mean it. Feel. Free.


	8. You

**Here we are, the last one, enjoy. :)**

* * *

_"If you must weep,_

_Do it right here in my bed as I sleep_

_If you must mourn, my love_

_Mourn with the moon and the stars up above_

_If you must mourn,_

_Don't do it alone"_

_-You, Keaton Henson (srsly my favourite song)_

Erestor had been in the library doing the accounts for the wedding when the servant he had asked to bring food to Lindir came knocking. He bid him enter. "Lord Erestor, I have brought breakfast to Lindir but he would not open the door nor would he reply my calls." The servant looked squeamish, he had his hands clasped in front of his body, his voice worried. Erestor sighed, "Go, I will deal with that elfling." The servant bowed and left. Erestor gathered the parchments and quills into his hands and walked out of the library. He headed for Lindir's rooms, dropping by to his rooms to deposit his work.

He knocked on the door, "Lindir, you cannot refuse to take your meals while you isolate yourself." He waited for a reply, but there was none. "Lindir ignoring me will do you no good." When no reply came, he tried another way. "I will go in there whether you want me to or not if you do not reply me." He counted to ten before he pushed at the door, only to find it locked. He sighed, "I will be back with the key." He went to find Lord Elrond, who had keys to all the rooms in Imladris. When he found the lord, he was in discussion with Lord Celeborn, Lady Galadriel and Lady Celebrían about the wedding guests.

"My lord, I am sorry to disturb, but I have need of you." Elrond excused himself from his guests and walked a ways away to talk with Erestor. "I need the keys to Lindir's room." Elrond's eyebrows shot up, "What has happened?" Erestor sighed, "He has missed three of his meals, and he will not open his door for the servant to bring him food, I fear he has fainted." Elrond bid him stay with the others while he went to fetch the keys with haste.

"What is it Erestor? Elrond looked worried." Celebrían asked. Erestor looked at her, he had seen Lindir and Celebrían become friends, just like Lindir said he would. But Celebrían could not possibly make Lindir's grief any better, so he did not tell her. "It is nothing, my lady." Celebrían would not have it, "I am about to be the Lady of Imladris, and if I am to be the lady of this realm then I wish to know what happens within it." Celebrían stared down's Erestor's cold gaze. Erestor sighed for the thousandth time that day, "It is Lindir, he will not open his door for the servant to bring him food." As he said this he looked at Galadriel, he saw the guilt flash through her eyes before it was replaced with concern.

"Erestor, I have the key, let us make haste lest he faint of hunger." As Erestor turned to follow Elrond, Celebrían stood up and made to follow. "You do not have to follow my lady," _you would probably bring more harm than good _was not said but the other three occupants in the room understood. "Nonsense, Lindir is my friend, I will see what has him in such melancholy." Celebrían said it and it was final, they left to Lindir's rooms.

When the door was unlocked, Erestor pushed aside Elrond to get to his friend, this was happening because of Elrond, he would be a terrible friend if he let Elrond be the first to see to Lindir. He pulled down the blanket covering Lindir's head and smoothed back the hair over his face. "Wake, Lindir." Lindir did not so much as stir, his body continued to breath in and out in even breaths. Elrond went to stand on the other side of the bed and placed his palm to Lindir's forehead, the healer's eyebrows creased. "His body is sound, but I feel something is amiss." He looked worriedly at Erestor. "What is it?" Erestor was getting impatient, was Elrond a healer or not for Valar's sake! Elrond shook his head, "I do not know."

Erestor glared at Elrond, then he felt a presence at his side, Lady Galadriel, he moved out of the way for her to see to Lindir. She placed both her palms on Lindir's cheeks and brought her forehead to his, then her eyes widened in shock, she carefully laid him back down then shook her head at Erestor, "His Fëa has left, his body awaits the judgement of Namo to his Fëa."

*+* *x* *+* *x* *+* *x*

_"If you must leave,_  
_Leave as though fire burns under your feet_  
_If you must speak,_  
_Speak every word as though it were unique_  
_If you must die, sweetheart_  
_Die knowing your life was my life's best part"_  
_-You, Keaton Henson_

The first thing Lindir noticed when he opened his eyes were that he was not on his bed. He stood up and looked around. He was in a hall, with high ceilings and wide arches, there were what looked like tapestries on the walls to his left and right, it was very dark here. Then he saw some other elves, milling about the place, some were looking lost like him, some others walked around with purpose. He jumped when he felt a presence beside him that wasn't there before, I was a person in a rich navy blue velvet cloak, her hood was partially up, revealing beautiful blonde hair and shocking blue eyes and a face which none could rival. "Come, my husband will see you now." The lady told him, he followed her, entranced. She had an aura about her, it felt to him like she was important, he could feel the power she had, she was a magnificent being.

She brought him through some arches and into a room which was darker and colder than the outside. There was a throne in the middle of the room, and a dark figure sat upon it. "Lindir of Imladris, welcome to the Hall of Mandos." A loud voice rang around him, there was no cheer and no pleasantries, it made Lindir shudder. "I am Námo, also known as Mandos." Lindir did not know what to do but nod in this imposing presence. "I am sure you know why you are here." This Lindir knew, he had been hoping for it after all. He had faded, he could finally find relief from his heartbreak in Valinor, a land blessed with healing and happiness. "That which you wish to happen, will not happen. It is not yet your time to sail to Valinor, you have other destinies in Middle Earth." Lindir frowned, why would he want to go back to Imladris when all that waited for him there was heartache and sorrow? "Do not despair, Lindir. The cloth for your tapestry is still long, there is much for you in the lands. Elrond was but a part of it, I can assure you there is someone waiting for you back in Middle Earth." Lindir looked at the lady as she spoke, Lindir knew of her, this was Lady Vairë, the Weaver. "I hurt whenever I think of my lost love, my lady, I cannot bear to go back." He shook his head in disagreement. "Then you will stay. You will be in the hands of Estë, she will aid you in healing and when you are ready, you will go back to Middle Earth." The female Valar reassured him.

He was lead out of the Halls and into a gardens of sort. Everything had an ethereal look to it, a certain haze about it but it was also clear, he couldn't explain it. "Welcome, Lindir, I am Estë, Lady of healing and rest." Lindir bowed to the Valar, what was the usual code of conduct in front of a Valar? "Your soul is hurt and your heart broken, but your time in Valinor will be but a sojourn. I will aid you in healing, while you heal your body will be kept safe in Imladris, and when it is time, you shall return and continue on your journey." Lindir nodded, he supposed if anyone could heal his broken heart, it would be the Valar, and so he rested.

And slowly but surely, he had healed. As his stay went on, his songs had turned from sorrow to that of joy and happiness, which the others staying at Estë's gardens could appreciate. And he had helped, his songs had brought joy to others, mending their bodies as well as their souls. In fact, he was so much help that when the time came for him to return, Estë had secretly ignored it and allowed him to stay longer, then until his return could not be held off anymore, with the blessings of the Valar and a new destination in mind, he returned.

* * *

**Yes yes, how do you feel? I was very weepy but all will be well in the next installment. It may take some time but I will try my best to write it. I'm currently working on a Draco/Elrond fic, if you're every interested, you know where to find them *awkward finger points at you while raising eyebrows* And so, I thank you and bid you goodbye! *bows out***


End file.
